Favorite Meat Flavor – Muncie Journal

By John Carlson—

The other night my wife and I were watching TV when this skinny guy with a weird haircut pops up onscreen playing loud chords on an electric guitar, so I ask Nancy a question.

“Who’s the twerp?” “

Responding, his eyes shoot a two-part look, the first part threatening.

Directed at me, it’s nothing less than a searing gaze wondering how she ever got married to a classless asshole like yours for forty years? The next half of her two-part look is on the skinny guitarist. Contrary to his gaze on me, which I will remind you that it was a lightning glance of embarrassment, regret and annoyance, his gaze on Mr. Guitar Boy conveys the message: “This is a dream boat! “

Then she reluctantly reveals that it is Johnny Depp.

Turns out Johnny isn’t even on a TV show; he’s on an ad selling smelly stuff. The particularly smelly thing he sells is Dior Sauvage, so I’m looking for it, and it’s actually cologne, but known to far more fancy people than me as eau de toilette. Thinking about this, I have to admit that with tiny little bottles of Sauvage selling for $ 157, my own cologne will probably remain a six dollar stick of old spice water until someone sells something. cheaper thing.

Nonetheless, I think about how I am retired now and could use a few million more for the house. I also think Johnny Depp’s gig looks pretty cool, when he just has to stand and pretend to smell good. But the point is, if I was looking for an eau de toilette to sell and make a fortune, Dior Sauvage wouldn’t suit me.

You see, while researching information on Dior Sauvage, you will quickly understand that these writers hired by the makers of Eau de Toilette to describe the smell of their products are the same writers hired by the winemakers to describe the taste of their wine.

But none of them ever say anything.

For example, here are excerpts from a published wine description that I read once. The writer described the wine as having a taste of “crushed minerals and metals”, “fragrant tobacco”, “rich soil” and “pencil shavings”.

And he meant it the right way.

Pencil shavings.

In the wine.

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure he was referring to a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 that changed my life that I bought for $ 1.59 and drank overnight. study at university fifty years ago. Even now, however, I remember it was a carefree little vintage tasting of Nehi Grape Soda, with a seductive aftertaste of boiled bratwurst water and a final mouthfeel of Bazooka chewing gum. .

As for the fragrances of Sauvage Eau De Toilette, while those descriptions didn’t mention that it smelled like “pencil shavings” or Bazooka chewing gum, they were expertly written using cleverly worded words to say nothing to you. .

An examination indicated that there was an “average odor [that] is between high and low ”, to which I could only answer:“ Huh? Another said he was “raw and masculine, but elegant”. Yet another description, which I found the most baffling of all, described Sauvage’s unique aroma as being “without any memory or personality.”

Wow. An Eau De Toilette “without memory or personality”?

If I remember correctly, my college English and biology teachers described me using those same words while trying to explain to my parents why my report cards were always stuffed with D’s and F’s.

Anyway, for me to be successful in Eau de Toilette sales, I will need a scent more in tune with my tastes and interests, a scent that really says something about who I am, what I am and what I represent. as a person.

A scent like Dior sausage.

After all, what’s not to love about sausages? Probably half of the guys who bought a bottle of Dior Sauvage mistakenly thought they were buying a bottle of Sausage eau de toilette, the spellings are so similar. Kielbasa. Liver pate. Salami. Chorizo. Andouille. Combining maybe three of these sausage scents would make a unique scent cologne! Indeed, with a sausage-based eau de toilette, I would be a very satisfied person, except perhaps when stray dogs were chasing me in my neighborhood.

And another point …

Without a doubt, launching sales for Dior Sausage could only improve Johnny Depp’s position among us guys tired of hearing our women chattering about he is a dream boat. A single ad where Johnny ditched his guitar in favor of mustard-covered kielbasa, which he then dumped on a hot dog bun before snatching a juicy, sizzling bite out of it, would likely restore his membership in good standing. among men Eau Club De Toilette.

As for Johnny’s continued popularity with the ladies, I don’t think they would be so receptive to the vibe, with women generally failing to maintain an appreciation of sausage issues as seriously as they should.

It’s not their fault, you see.

It’s probably one of those genetic things that makes women think that pleasant scents for men should be reminiscent of those tonic days of Musk, Hai Karate, and my old personal favorite, Swank.

But a cool scent like Dior Sausage?

If I were one of those guys in the Eau de Toilette commercial, I guess I would describe it as “A magical and mystical journey into a Bob Evans’ kitchen, but for your nose.”

Former writer and longtime columnist for The Star Press in Muncie, Indiana, John Carlson is a storyteller with an unwavering appreciation for the wonderful people of East Central Indiana and the stories of their lives, no matter how funny, poignant, inspiring or all three. . John’s columns appear on MuncieJournal.com every Friday.

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